


you don't have to kill so kind

by wanderinglilly



Series: Begin Again [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love, i just really like making myself cry, not all i write is fluffy and gross, some of it is sad and gross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 13:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6081627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderinglilly/pseuds/wanderinglilly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marinette finally confesses to Adrien, and it both does and doesn't play out the way she imagined it would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you don't have to kill so kind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mialeslie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mialeslie/gifts).



> i don't like angst. i hate angst. i don't even read angst.  
> but i was feeling really down and this happened.
> 
> Title from _tell me if you wanna go home_ by keira knigthley from the begin again original soundtrack

“ _I’m sorry, Marinette-”_ it starts like this. What follows is the kind, sweet words she is used to hearing, laced together to form the apology of someone who doesn’t return your feelings.

And she expected it, really. After years and years of pining after Adrien, Marinette’s become very good at reading him, at seeing that faraway look on his face whenever he spots something on the window and at guessing ( _knowing_ ) it’s not her he’s thinking about when he smiles that genuine toothy smile that she’s never seen on an advertisement.

Marinette takes it gracefully, piling up all her strength and even borrowing some of Ladybug’s (because no matter what Tikki says, Ladybug and Marinette have never been one and the same in her head) to keep looking him straight in the green eyes she fell for years ago, to wait patiently for him to finish saying all he has to say; and even though she hears him clearly saying how much he appreciates her friendships and how _flattered_ and _surprised_ he is, Marinette can’t help but latch at the _but_ , that small word that manages to crush her and lift the oppressing weight of her feelings off of her at the same time.

“It’s fine, Adrien.” She says, her voice steadier than she ever thought possible, not in this circumstances, not with this boy in front of her. Sometime in his speech his hand found its way to hers, and Marinette finally tears her gaze away from his to look at their joined fingers. _This is all I’m ever going to want_ she thinks. She feels the light press of Tikki’s head against her thigh in a silent show of comfort, helping her trudge on the path of words she rehearsed so many times in her room. “I never- you never-” the words stick to her throat, pushing back and forth and the tears she’s bravely managed to keep in start prickling at her eyes; but she has to do this, if only to get closure. Breathing deeply, she looks up. Adrien looks concerned, and it crushes her that he can be so compassionate even though he’s breaking her heart.

“I just wanted you to know.” She manages, her smile trembling when she directs it at him. Adrien looks at her for a long time, until a loud honk startles them both. Looking over, Marinette notices his driver and his father’s assistant looking expectantly in their direction from the curb; beside her, Adrien sighs.

“Guess I gotta go model now.” He murmurs. His hand squeezes hers one more time, walking away with a dejected air to him, as if he had been the one just rejected; but Marinette can’t bring herself to resent him for it. _After all_ , she muses, _it can’t be easy for him to make friends_.

She starts walking home, her gaze downcast. At the very least, she’s glad that she chose a Friday afternoon to confess, because she doesn’t think she could take Alya’s well-meaning but too enthusiastic comfort.

Marinette gets home almost dragging her feet, crosses the bakery with a cheerless greeting for her parents and goes up to her room, where she lays face down on her chaise. Tikki springs out of her bag almost immediately, choosing to lay silently on her head, her tiny arms spreading themselves on as much of her hair as she can manage

“Thank you.” She murmurs. Oddly, Marinette doesn’t feel sad. She just feels this all-consuming emptiness, like somehow confessing took all that was inside of her heart and now most of it is gone, the remaining pieces forming an Adrien-shaped hole.

She never expected him to return her feelings. First, out of self-deprecation: why would Adrien love _her_? _how_ could Adrien love her? Marinette is not some wondrous beauty, she’s just one more wide-eyed girl who fell in love with a boy she hardly even knows even after all this time, just another unopened envelope in the sack of valentines he probably gets every year.

Then, because she got to know him better: not like, best friends or anything, but better enough to know he’s goofy and witty when people aren’t looking, that he smirks when he gets away with something he’s not supposed to be doing, that his eyes look viridian instead of grass green when his fringe falls over them after a strong fit of laughter. And most of all, that sometimes he’ll stop in the middle of the street when they’re hanging out with Nino and Alya, his eyes searching for something she can only wonder about, and he’ll always apologize and keep walking as he brushes it off, fists clenched when he hides them in his pockets, voice slightly softer than before.

Marinette is not that something he’s looking for.

“I’m not-” she interrupts herself with a choked sob. Everything comes rushing to her suddenly, and the fact that she was just rejected by Adrien comes crashing down on her like bullets on the heads of the rebels during the Revolution. She wonders if those wounds hurt as bad, if the pain that squeezes her heart can compare to what those people felt all those years ago.

Burying her head in her pillow, Marinette lets out a sob, and then another. She cries and cries and cries but somehow the pain doesn’t dwindle, it just grows in her chest until it oppresses her lungs and makes her feel like she’s choking even though the pillow she’d hidden is now being crushed in her hands.

Tikki, wonderful as she is, only coos at her, not offering words that she knows won’t have an effect right now. The kwami slides down to the middle of her chest, where she curls up and even cries a little too at the sight of her suffering charge. It makes her feel even worse, that she can’t keep it together until Tikki is asleep, that she can’t bear this pain like she bears the duty to protect Paris every day.

Her parents call for dinner but understand when she doesn’t join them, and Marinette loves them all the more for it. Sometime in the afternoon she moves up to her bed, her limbs heavier with every minute. Gravity pulls at her the higher she gets and she has half a mind to just let herself fall, to lie there in the middle of her short flight of stairs and not get up until this mind-numbing pain is finally _gone_.

But that’s not really who she is, is it?

Sleep is fitful, if thankfully dreamless. Marinette keeps waking up only to remember the events of the day and feel a new wave of sadness wash over her, then go back to sleep as silent tears dry on her damp cheeks.

It’s a miracle no akuma comes to find her, but truly, Marinette isn’t angry or resentful or jealous of whoever holds Adrien’s heart; she’s just loved him for _so_ long, with all of herself, she’s kept falling and falling for him without slowing down even a little and she’ll probably keep loving him for a long time, and this overwhelming sadness is because despite everything she’s hurt and she just _needs_ to let it out.

* * *

 

The next morning, Alya comes by like she promised Friday morning, only to find a puffy-eyed, silent Marinette sat on her balcony railing, gazing at the horizon. When her friend looks her way, Alya immediately pulls her away from sure death to hold her as tight as she can.

As she lets go, Alya takes notice of the watery smile on her best friend’s face.

“He rejected me, Alya.” She says, and then she cries some more.

By the end of the afternoon, there’s at least two empty cartons of ice cream laying on her balcony floor, and a bittersweet but comfortable feeling of resignation settled upon her bones.

* * *

On Sunday, an akuma makes an appearance on downtown Paris, and the cold air hitting Ladybug’s face does wonders to settle Marinette’s conflicted thoughts. She doesn’t feel stable enough to battle a pick-pocket thief, let alone a supervillain.

But then she gets to the scene to see Chat Noir’s already at it with the akuma, throwing puns and taunts like always, turning to look at her with unwavering trust and support in his eyes and she just _knows_.

Everything will be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> i love fics where marinette is akumatized, but i don't think she'd lose herself over adrien. i'm not saying she doesn't love him enough, or that the fics where she gets rejected then akumatized aren't amazeballs, but marinette doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would pour so much of herself in loving a guy. also i just really love hopeful endings, cause i can tell you (by personal experience) things do get better.
> 
> just watch begin again pls. also, i might continue this?? or make a companion piece!
> 
> comments are appreciated, and i would love to talk to you all on [tumblr](http://chatnoirslady.tumblr.com)


End file.
